You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
