do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
