She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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