Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
