Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
