You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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