I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
