any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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