I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
