I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
40s are totally the cure
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
