I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
