I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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