M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
