Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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