pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
All I want is dick and wine.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
