i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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