a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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