I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
they need to just BURY HIM!
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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