You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
