Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
