Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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