ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
