dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
