you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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