yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
why is half of my head shaved?
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