Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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