what day is it and did you see me today?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
