i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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