When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just had sex on a roof
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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