I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
