I can text with my tongue
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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