Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
