I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
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