You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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