What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
