So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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