I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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