if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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