Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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