I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
