chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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