great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
