I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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