My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
