i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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