If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
