I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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