Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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