this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
