My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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