I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
