is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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