Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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