I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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