Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
