I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
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I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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