remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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