I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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